Name: Neptune's Net
Type: Biker Hangout, Steamed/Fried Seafood
Good for: Seafood, Clam Chowder, Creepy/Sketchy-People Watching
Location: 42505 Pacific Coast Hwy, Malibu, CA [Google it!]
PPP: $18-25
Overall vibe: Biker bar with awesome steamed seafood
Anything bogus: Rough crowd, tough parking, bathrooms
The Location
I've mainly been out this way after a hike through Temescal Gateway Park or Circle X Ranch. Perhaps it's the old saying that everything tastes better after a hard hike, but I'll be damned if I can't find a better place to satiate myself with good food after all those calories lost to the dusty trails. Driving north on PCH, the drive seems endless, especially when you're convinced you've made it after the next turn, turn after turn. Past Zuma Beach, start looking east away from the ocean for a gathering of bikes after you pass Leo Carrillo Beach and the Mulholland Hwy. No matter how many times I've been here, it always seems to leap right out of nowhere and I find myself slamming on my brakes, much to the dismay of the tailgating SUVs behind me.
The Atmosphere
As you pull in, you'll be hard-pressed to find a parking spot, unless you're on a motorcycle. I've always managed to find one fairly quickly, though I remember once or twice having to wait a few minutes for someone to leave. Some parking spaces will be filled with bikes and bikers, so be VERY careful pulling into a spot. Making my way in, I've had to maneuver past throngs of leather-clad ruffians and their babes, often getting clogged in the knees by a helmet or two as I head in to the steamed section first. If you come here with more than one person, I highly suggest having one person wait in the beverages/fried food/soup line, and another person wait in the steamed seafood/corn line at the same time. Ordering dungeness crab, giant shrimp, and king crab legs by the pound gets expensive; rarely can you get full with less than $15 in steamed offerings alone. I ordered the corn on the cobb as well. Further inside, a line of overly-tanned weekend warriors snakes its way around the back, along a corridor of coolers offering everything a 7-11 would have: beers, wine coolers, sodas, and water bottles. The aroma is a mixture of body odor, sunscreen, and deep-fried shrimp. I love it. A good idea, particularly on a very hot day, is two get two drinks: one for the line, and one for the meal. For those in the know, the combination of sun and alcohol work wonderously in situations where one feels a bit out of place. Everyone here has had too much of both. In any event, this line is for anything fried. It is simply impossible to order anything off the menu here and not gain weight or increase your cholesterol by at least 15 points, unless you just drink water. Mostly I am fine with the steamed offerings from the first line and just get beverages here, but once in a while I've been known to order one of their fried combination plates. More often than not, I'll order the clam chowder in this line as well.
To be fair, I've only ever been here on Sunday afternoons and it's not nearly as insane other days of the week from what I've heard. Bikers are fine people, with a time-honored history of arrogant roadside manner, uncomely fashion statements, the ability to grow and flaunt hair in areas where other people would normally attempt to remove it, and questionable taste in machinery and female accompaniment. They are as American a tradition as apple pie and frivolous lawsuits. They are loved by many.
The Food
My number got called out over the PA system from the steamed section first, as I usually try to time it. My plate of crab legs and corn came with little plastic cups of melted butter. Setting these down is a challenge in a place where tables are at a premium and you spend more time finding a seat than waiting for your food to be ready, or to even eat it once it is. This is where a third person comes in handy. While the first orders the steamed offerings and the second waits in line for beverages, fried seafood and chowder, the third could be scoping out a table and obtaining plasticware and paper towels. Many occasions I have been here with two other people, which has helped immensely. Let me just say that eating here alone is quite an ordeal during rush times.
In any event, their drinks are cold and refreshing, regardless of what you pick up. Basically everything gets sucked out of the coolers at a more or less constant rate, virtually guaranteeing that whatever you're drinking has not surpassed its expiration date (the people surrounding you are another matter entirely).
The clam chowder is some of the best I've had anywhere, holding its own against the similarly-named if not diametrically-opposed Neptune's Palace in San Francisco. The chowder is flavorful and thick, the clam strips are huge for a soup and it's very obvious that you're eating something fresh. The corn on the cob comes next in line, and with a sprinkle of salt and a drizzle of melted butter on top, it's nearly perfect and crunchy. And now for the steamed seafood.
The shrimp are by far my favorite, though you have to peel them. They were steamed to perfection and I used the melted butter for dipping; very tasty. The dungeness crab legs were okay if not a little offputting by the small amount of meat one gets in relation to how much effort it takes to retrieve it from the shell. This is somewhat ironic as I've recently read that 1/4th of a dungeness crab's weight is meat, making it one of the meatiest crabs available. That means you're paying 3/4ths of the price towards parts you will never eat, and in fact must fight your way around, to get to the quarter you want. I daresay the legs are significantly less than a 1/4th meat, and most people wouldn't eat what's inside the body. Nevertheless, it was tasty, but not as tasty as the king crab. The king crab legs were huge and definitely better-tasting and yielded far more meat than their dungeness cousins. After you're done eating, your table is a mess of paper towels, globs of melted butter and salt, and body parts of various crustaceans. It's actually kind of gross. But you're not really thinking about that; you're more focused on a belly full of good food and a dim recollection that you now have to somehow drive yourself an hour and a half back to LA.
The Service
As there is no table service, you have to stop by one of several stations for paper towels, salt, plasticware, ketchup, and other condiments. Many of the indoor tables feature paper towel dispensers, which are lifesavers considering what a horrible mess you're making of yourself while pouring salty melted butter over dead sea bugs. The guys who run the steamed section have been very friendly to me, and often make suggestions as to what is most fresh that day. The fried section is the busiest, and the staff take your order in a necessarily impatient manner. You usually have to clean your own table before sitting down, and there are places to set your trays near the garbage cans, which means you're also expected to clean your own table once you're done.
Anything Bogus?
The fried food has been overcooked on more than one occasion and the bathrooms tend to be gross (don't sit down if you can help it). Parking is often extremely difficult and you have to drive an hour and a half out here from LA. If that weren't bad enough, the Sunday afternoons that I've come here, I've had to wait in PCH traffic for well over two hours on the way back. This wouldn't be so bad as the fact that no matter how much soap and water I've used to wash my hands, the car still manages to reek of shrimp and butter for the next day or two.
Summary
As long as you don't mind associating with people you would normally chase off your back porch with a shotgun, or getting melted butter all over yourself, you'll have a blast with the steamed seafood and chowder. Be prepared to blow $45 or more for two people though. It's a crab shack biker bar, but it's also Malibu.
Interesting Factoids
- October and January are the most popular months for catching king crab.
- There are four types of king crab: red, blue, gold, and scarlet
- The most desirable species of king crab is the red king crab, which is only in season for 4 days out of the year.
- During the 2005-2006 winter fishing season, 250 boats caught 14 million pounds of red king crab in 4 days.
- The relatively cheaper blue king crab is often sold in restaurants as red king crab, as they are similar in color when cooked.
- Scarlet king crabs are not commercially fished, due to their diminutive size and relative low population.
- The first motorcycle was invented in Germany in 1885, called the Reightwagen or "riding car"
- A person riding a motorcycle is 34 times more likely to die in an accident than riding in a car
- The journalist Hunter S. Thompson (of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" fame) was an avid biker and rode with the Hells Angels for the sake of writing a story about them. Upon their discovery of Thompson potentially making alot of money from his dealings with the gang, the Hells Angels stomped Thompson within inches of his life and he spent months recovering in hospital. The resulting book was aptly named "Hells Angels: The Strange and Terrble Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gang"
No comments:
Post a Comment